DEADSTOCK

Throw it all away.

I’m so tired of having this conversation with my mother over and over again, where she tells me that all of the torment I’ve ever experienced at the hands of men is entirely my fault because I keep going for that type of guy.

She says, “You need to pick better men,” and I fantasize about these "better” men and how I’d also like to meet and pick them, though presumably they are off on an island somewhere far away with women who are much softer and smarter than I am.

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When I have this conversation with my mother, my mind often drifts to the Frog Theory. The Frog Theory discusses how if you put a frog in a pot of water and slowly turn up the heat, eventually the frog will boil to death because of the gradual increase in temperature. In contrast, if you were to drop a frog directly into a pot of boiling water, the frog would immediately jump out to safety. What I’m saying here is that my mother thinks that I am dumber than a fucking frog. She thinks that I entered the pot while it was boiling hot and thought, “Waters great, I suppose I’ll have a therapeutic soak in this jacuzzi for awhile!” because I’m too fucking stupid to know the difference.

I think about the Frog Theory because this is exactly how it happens, and I don’t know why I’m the only person in the room who seems to understand that the worst abusers are often the most charismatic and the most likable. That’s exactly how it happens. It’s never all at once. It’s more like I meet this guy and he’s charming and perfect and nice and then one day he raises his voice at me. Then the next day he calls me a name. And then the next he smacks me in the mouth. But it’s okay. It’s just once. I can handle it because the rest of the time he’s charming and perfect and nice. He says he’s sorry and I believe him because he’s charming and perfect and nice and that’s exactly why I picked him. He is the kind of man that everyone told me to pick. So then the conversation becomes, “You better learn to tolerate certain things or else you’re going to end up alone.”

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My mother’s internalized misogyny prevents her from blaming the men in my life for the things they’ve done to me that have left me callous and hesitant, so she blames me instead. She resents my rough edges more than she resents how they came to be. She hates both herself and me enough to believe that I’ve been the idiot every single time.

“Pick better men”, she says to me. “….No, not him. Not him either. And definitely not him…,” as if it’s as simple as me being unable to distinguish good from bad rather than the idea that the entire supply is rotted to the core.

So instead of gouging my eyes out, ripping my shirt off, falling to my knees, and screaming:

“WAKE UP! THE PERCEPTION OF CHOICE IS NOTHING BUT AN ILLUSION! What does it really mean to 'pick better' when ALL MEN are indoctrinated with the same set of misogynistic values under the patriarchy that they make no conscious effort to unlearn? HOW DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THAT men would perish from disgust and shame, FORTHWITH, if they were to ever hold a mirror up and actually see the worthlessness, emptiness, and impotence of their own reflection — so instead, they distract themselves with the murder, abuse, and subjugation of women as a way to try and reinstate a sense of power and control over their abject, miserable, and futile existence? This is not some crazy fucking concept that is only embraced by the lowest 1% of men - it is the system which ALL MEN are socialized into! WHEN are you going STOP acting like it’s a rarity when a man is abusive, and that it makes him some kind of rogue psychopath, as opposed to a perfect representation of the pillars of the patriarchy that peddle a false sense of superiority and entitlement to all men? PICK BETTER? Where is the better batch to pick from? PRESENT THEM TO ME! Because through and through, from the deepest sea to the highest mountaintop, GOD! The men you put on this earth to provide and protect women are actually our leading cause of death! WHY am I considered an outlier, a freak, a special breed of moron for having had one abusive boyfriend in my life, let alone multiple abusive boyfriends? Are the odds that I’d encounter a violent man more than once in my lifetime really THAT astronomical considering that EVERY single man is raised within the confines of an inherently violent system? Is it really THAT hard to believe? The real question is, why should any man ever be considered anything OTHER than a fully deranged lunatic, and why don’t you save your shock and awe for when you come across a woman who is with a man who actually does NOT beat her down in every possible sense? WHY is it that you are so eager and willing to believe that women are collectively stupid rather than to believe that men are collectively violent? Am I deaf dumb and blind or are we NOT participating in the same society and intaking the same media that delegates women as submissive and disposable fucktoys not worthy of autonomy or full personhood? Statistically, the numbers do not lie and every single one of us has come into contact with someone who has either been an abuser or a victim! WHAT the fuck are you even talking about when you tell me to pick better? WHERE am I supposed to be picking from? OPEN A HISTORY BOOK! TALK TO YOUR NEIGHBOR! WATCH THE FUCKING NEWS! THINK ABOUT YOUR OWN LIFE! I recall all of the brutal headlines I’ve ever read, the things I'VE LIVED, the experiences of my closest friends! HOW can you look into my big beautiful brown eyes and tell me that the odds of me encountering more than one abusive man in my life is more of a testament to my stupidity and bad judgement than it is to the widespread and deeply rooted violent nature that is present in the foundation of all men — regardless of race, culture, or creed? Why is it always telling women to pick better and never telling men to actually BE better? ARE YOU REALLY THIS FUCKING DELUSIONAL, OR ARE YOU JUST SO HOPELESSLY BRAINWASHED INTO UPHOLDING THE STATUS QUO—EVEN AT THE EXPENSE OF YOUR OWN DAUGHTER’S SANITY—THAT YOU SIMPLY DO NOT CARE ABOUT HOW FUCKING STUPID YOU SOUND RIGHT NOW?”

I bite my tongue because I know that I can’t talk to my mother like that.

I also know that all of the things I recognize as being objectively true about the world have made it so that I will never be able to justify holding myself accountable for the actions inflicted upon me by the grown men in my life who have chosen, of their own free will, to use violence against me. The line between taking accountability for red flag behaviors I consciously overlooked and taking accountability for the consequences of the actions of others is extremely thin, though with years of brutally honest introspection (and no help from my mother), I’d say that I’m learning to navigate it fairly well. But I’m tired of explaining this. I’m tired of proving this. I have definitively run out of ways to have this conversation without absolutely losing my fucking mind.

So instead of saying all that, I just look away and say, “Yeah, I guess you’re right.”

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